


What Could Have Been

by Kajune



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, Cú Chulainn Needs A Hug, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, Jealousy, M/M, One Shot, POV First Person, Romance, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-06-23 19:40:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15613572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kajune/pseuds/Kajune
Summary: Caster laments on what he has lost.





	What Could Have Been

It was busy in the cafeteria like most mornings, and by “busy”, Caster meant “noisy.”

After taking his usual morning tea and going to perch on a table propped against the wall just for him, Caster examines the dozens of other Servants also taking up space in Chaldea’s “always-crowded” cafeteria.

Emiya was fussing and working hard in the kitchen as always, with a couple of female assistants more or less helping him. Out of the many Servants eating at the tables, Caster focused on the Celts.

His teacher Scathach was paying no mind to the rowdier Celtic warriors sitting on either side of her, preferring the deliciously-made meal instead. Fergus was singing while half-drunk again, accompanied by other Servants he had either befriended or convinced to join his morning tunes. The two younger warriors next to him didn’t seem entirely enthusiastic and tried to appear small.

They were Diarmuid and Caster’s Lancer counterpart, Cu Chulainn.

They were _both_ Cu Chulainn, but from different timelines. Caster was older, wiser and more magically gifted than Lancer-Cu. He had managed to avoid death for an extra two years compared to his counterpart, although he has never gloated about his success.

Caster has only ever complained about his lack of a spear, which Lancer-Cu has.

He has attempted to borrow or outright snatch the thing from Lancer-Cu and each time he has failed to keep the thing for more than a few hours. Lancer-Cu is very protective of his Gae Bolg, which is not helped by the fact that Scathach would kick his ass if she ever found out he had lost it.

Nowadays, Caster finds himself wanting to steal something else from Lancer-Cu.

When Lancer’s eyes drift towards the kitchen, Caster’s eyes follow.

Emiya.

Both versions of Cu Chulainn have encountered Heroic Spirit EMIYA. The first meeting was the same for both, occurring during the Fifth Grail War, but Caster was summoned to another war that ended in disaster. Caster’s second Grail War saw the corruption of every other Servant besides himself and the death of every other Servant besides himself.

That war cost Caster everyone he knew from his time as a Servant. It did not help that he saw these same Servants again, a version of them from a parallel world; Lancer-Cu’s world.

It’s not that he deeply missed everyone from his Grail War days. He was okay with meeting Arturia, Medusa, Medea, Sasaki and Heracles all over again along with any other Servant he had gotten summoned with.

The same didn’t apply to Emiya.

Caster watches with envy as his Lancer counterpart enjoys the presence of a happier, kinder and talkative Emiya. Caster remembers his Emiya never really got over his cynicism, and becoming corrupted didn’t help him one bit. It drove him insane.

Caster will never forget the day his Emiya became a madman, corrupted with taint and eager for destruction, a far cry from Lancer’s Emiya, who seemed to have found some resolution with his past. He was still prone to acting tough and putting on an ice-cold facade, but he was genuinely open to friendships with his fellow Servants.

The difference in personality should have made it easier for Caster to treat him like a stranger, but no.

Lancer’s Emiya looked just like the way Caster’s Emiya did when they had first met...and when the grail had first corrupted the poor guy.

Caster would have enjoyed spending the days of the Fifth Grail War with his Emiya over and over, clashing weapons whenever one of them had managed to piss the other off. He misses those days with all of his heart.

He misses his Emiya with all of his heart.

A thought often appears in Caster’s mind: Did he fail to save his Emiya? Was it his fault that Emiya had become tainted? He was in the Caster class, a class which he was super powerful in, yet he somehow failed to save Emiya?

To be fair, he could save none of his fellow Servants from the grail’s corruption. He could only ensure they were all put out of their misery.

Caster didn’t put Emiya out of his misery, though, he let Mash do that.

Why?

He would tell anyone that it was to test Mash’s skills. In truth, he couldn’t bear to hurt the man he had failed to rescue.

He couldn’t bear to simply _look_ at the man he had failed to rescue.

Aside from the potential of having failed to save his Emiya, Caster also wonders what Emiya thought about him to his dying breath. They were never officially friends but they got along in their own way. They understood each other like no other.

Caster came to adore Emiya and Emiya didn’t seem entirely keen on killing him (prior to his corruption). The two spoke almost as many times as they clashed weapons and it was a relationship Caster doubted would progress from there, but he was happy with it.

His Emiya seemed happy with it too.

Until that day…

It hurts to watch Lancer-Cu and a version of Emiya get along so well, to watch what could have been between him and his Emiya. It doesn’t help that Lancer-Cu and Emiya are secretly lovers. Caster had already caught them kissing once and heard his counterpart moan Emiya’s name with reverence through his bedroom door, and Emiya was definitely in the room with him.

He isn’t jealous of Lancer to the point that he would try to ruin Lancer’s love life, but he hates seeing it everyday. The two are subtle about their relationship but just _knowing_ they are very happy together still **hurts**.

It’s enough to fill Caster with the desire to steal Lancer’s Emiya for himself. He won’t do that because he knows better. He’s the mature one of the two Cu Chulainns and as much as it pains him to see the life he can never have, he won’t take Emiya away from his counterpart.

It would be an act of betrayal, on top of being needlessly cruel.

The two Emiyas have the same origin but are different people. Lancer’s Emiya is everyone’s beloved cook while Caster’s Emiya was a guy who had tried to kill Mash and Ritsuka.

Lancer’s Emiya is right where he belongs.

Although, had Caster tried harder, his Emiya might have been here too.

…

…

It takes fifteen minutes for Caster to finish his drink, leave the cup on the table and walk out of the cafeteria. His quiet footsteps take him far away from the constant chattering of the other Servants, who know nothing of his pain.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Events of Caster's second Grail War are based on the version from _TYPE-MOON ACE VOL. 11_.


End file.
